#001 A new beginning

I have always found it very difficult to maintain consistency in the projects I have started. My problem has always been to stay focused and maintain the same level of enthusiasm felt in the initial phase of project creation and development. I have started several projects on YouTube, Twitch, a Podcast previously (also quite successful). However, I have always found myself giving up, sometimes more quickly, other times after months or years. This has always penalized me very much and brought despair because if it is true that we are our worst enemy, we are certainly also the most ferocious critics. You see, no matter how busy I have been in the past, no matter how hard my heart was or how good I was for what I was doing, sooner or later, the excitement waned and with it the results.

And if one also adds that in the internet world it takes EXTREME constancy to get it right and be able to get out of the oblivion of the web, my problem of concentration and lack of resilience has led me to achieve few results.

Even worse, to stop now exhausted (albeit of nothing) just when the project was starting to take off.

Now, assuming that I'm not stupid (and I have questioned this many times) and that I have a bit of experience on how to set up a project that turns out to be a success, I wondered why I couldn't get out from this self-destructive loop. Many times I have tried to justify this lack of consistency by blaming the platform used, bad luck, the policies that blocked what I wanted to do, the lack of money to invest to achieve a quality that could satisfy me. And all the time I did nothing but hide the real issue from myself. And mind you, I say hide because in reality I know perfectly well what the issue is.

I was simply trying to protect my ego in a sick and unhealthy way. The real reason why I lose interest and why I want to see results right away and the lack of them leads me to stop everything, is simply a lack of self-esteem.

You see, if I were to achieve excellent results on a project relatively quickly, I would not be discouraged and would continue to hit because it would make me feel good. It would gratify me to know that I am good at that thing.

Of course, one could argue that this statement is as valid as any other, however I have past examples where, looking back on it now, that's undoubtedly how it went. When I streamed, for example, I got results far above my expectations both in game (mostly on Player Unknown's Battlegrounds) and at the livestream level. This led me to reach an involvement with the public such as to carry me on my path without too many problems and having fun even simultaneously.

Same thing for my job, which I love and which I think I'm pretty good at. Even in the livestream, I started to run into hiccups as the level of players on that game got so high that I couldn't win more games in weeks when my winning record exceeded six per day. This, together with the decline in spectators, led me to have less and less enthusiasm and desire to do what I was doing. Before moving to London in 2014 I was coming out of a very dark period.

Due to the Italian working environment which does not stand out in terms of ease of life for us videographers, I had no work and I had begun to doubt my abilities; stupid thing also because there will be a reason why I have now been able to work for massive clients like Knorr, Ferrero, Mastercard, Visa, Civil Service UK, Royal Navy and many others.

YouTube itself, numerous projects including gaming, Fit Vlog, Travel Vlog, CryptoVlog. Again, same self-destructive mechanism. So, you know what I'm telling you? I'm at the point I take the thing head on. I created this site to optimize what I am doing.

Furthermore, I decided to write this blog, which will also help me to let off steam and tell you about what I want, but really everything … From the new recipe I tried yesterday, to something I discovered after various researches on a technological gadget, to the news which concern here, in short, everything. This blog will also help me to have real scripts for the episodes of my Podcast that will almost be a reading of these articles.

So, that if someone dislikes reading, or does not have the possibility, they can still listen to me.

Then for heaven's sake there will also be videos from time to time on the channel, Instagram posts that will become insights maybe here on the blog. In short, this is shock therapy.

I am almost thirty years old.

I would like to cross the threshold with a positive attitude, aimed at improving myself and being honest about my defects, first towards myself and secondly also those around me and who love me.

Although I cannot promise anyone that I will be successful in my latest venture, I can be sure that I will tackle it from a starting point, from a concrete realization of what my problem actually is.

Thanks for reading or listening to me.

I'm Fabio Pansera, A Happy Italian Immigrant, see you next time!